“As you Age”
…Interaction between Senior’s and their Adult Children

By Philip D. Shapiro, M.H.A.

When is it Time to Have a Family Meeting?
(Part 2 of a 3 part series)

In Part 1 of this three part series we brought to surface the idea of having a “family meeting” between senior-parents and their “adult-children”.  The main purpose of such a meeting is to establish a dialogue that may include such subject matter as change in health, change in housing needs, and just simply how to prepare for and cope with changes in senior’s lives that may require support from adult-children of those seniors.  In Part 2, we now discuss who should be invited to an initial family meeting and how to set the agenda for that meeting.

There is no doubt that the most optimal meeting environment will be that which brings all the participants together in a comfortable and personable setting.  However, in today’s society where senior-parents and their adult-children are sometimes separated by many miles and time zones, it may not be practical or even achievable to get everyone together in the same locale.  You may have to coordinate a “telephone conference call” or, if need be, create an e-mail “chat session”.  The common denominator is still the same…that is, to communicate.  Your best chance to pull everyone together will be a planned family event or holiday

The first meeting may be limited to immediate family members and the closest of friends, for both the senior-parents and adult-children.  All of the “stake holders” should be involved, including mom and/or dad (depending on whether it’s a couple or single senior-parent) and all siblings (the adult-children). One of the participants should play the role of “moderator” and have the capability to control the meeting and work through the agenda in a timely manner so that the participants can remain focused and be productive in their discussions.

Depending upon the key issue (for example, change in housing), all the pertinent facts and key concerns need to be at the forefront of the family meeting.  This may include:  current housing costs (mortgage, taxes, insurance, maintenance, etc…), reasons for wanting to move (example- house getting too big to clean, inability to maintain grounds and keep up with repairs, inability to plan and facilitate daily chores and meals, difficulty in going up and down stairs, the market value of the home and the climate of the local real estate market.

The moderator can also be a note-taker so that “minutes” of the family meeting can be distributed to all the participants.  He or she needs to insure that all the participants in the family meeting have a chance to speak and respect the participants if and when they elect to defer their comments.  If the issue about “loss of independence” surfaces, which it usually does, the moderator needs to avoid discussion that leads to the patronizing of the senior-parents, however, insure that their dignity remains intact.

The adult-children should volunteer to accept certain responsibilities, they need to be itemized and scheduled.  Create a calendar that has “milestone dates” established and assign one of the adult-children the task of maintaining and monitoring the schedule.  In the case of housing change, one of the first considerations will be to assess where mom and dad, or, mom or dad (as singles) should move.  A move consists of identifying the most suitable living environment and the geography of that living environment.  For example, if the adult-parent is living in a 2500 square foot two story single-family home, options may include a step-down to a patio home, condominium, luxury apartment, or even an active senior living community.

At the end of the family meeting, it’s beneficial for all the participants to re-cap what’s been discussed, what the next steps will be, and which participants will be responsible for the next steps.

Part 3 will explore “follow-up” after your family meeting.

Philip D. Shapiro, M.H.A. is the Developer and Executive Director of Promenade on the River, an active senior living community (www.promenadereno.com) and the President of Traditions Integrated Care Communities, a senior living consulting firm, both based in Reno. Phil can be reached at 775.345.6941